Three decades hence and still your name,  

Dusty old parchments but I recall the game,

A thousand questions you helped me answer,

Blissfully unaware of this sleeping cancer.

 

A score and 10 years and still the drama,

Nothing I tell myself makes me calmer,

Searching for answers that don’t exist,

Invisible punches from your ignorant fist.

 

I know you are still here to grant me safe haven,

A guiding song, your image as graven,

A lesson never fading, oh to be revered a pleasure,

You meant everything you said, each word a treasure.

 

How can you still be in that box of childish things?

A distant fleeting whisper in a life that sings,

Juvenile confusion turned manifest,

Bringing me shame today in some pointless test.

 

If I could win parole from your constant jails,

We could shoot the breeze and exchange old tales,

Perhaps stare beyond the windows and regale the ages,

Since we last shared the air or exchanged pages.

 

She wont let me be despite not trying,

Unaware of my pain or inexplicable crying.

Nobody but me in these torturing prisons,

Alone as always to fight these bastard visions.

 

Don’t ever stop keeping me warm in my retrospect,

Dopamine in daydreams, where I can reflect,

Forever awakened by our songs and places,

A shelter in my head, a realm of nocturnal faces.

 

Afraid of breaking, unhinged and pathetic,

There is no treatment, no anesthetic,

Brain worms that suck out what I swore not to keep,

Get out of my head, get the fuck out my sleep.

 

“Where is the stairway to start the healing?”

I love this joy, I love this feeling.

“But I cannot vanquish the ghost of you”

And why would I ever want to?

 

Is this spiral the end of calm?  

I hate this shame, I hate this harm,

Is my mental sentence due?

Fuck this anger and forever fuck you.

 

 

30 October 2024